


Living in the Shadows

by amiyade



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Timeline, M/M, Magic Study Date, One Shot, Unresolved Sexual Tension, apparently if I want to see them interact I have to write it myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:01:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29025399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amiyade/pseuds/amiyade
Summary: “Have fun on your date!” Jester shouts after him. Caleb stops in his tracks and turns back to frown at the grinning tiefling, then just sighs and continues on.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 6
Kudos: 92





	Living in the Shadows

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a simple soul, I just want wizard dates, but the world is a cruel place and says I can't have them (especially considering current events...), so I had to write it myself. :P The title is from the song [Living in the Shadows](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2Q07nYdmvs), which I think fits them perfectly.

“Jester,” Caleb calls out as he approaches the two clerics who are currently engrossed in a conversation under the tree roots in the Xhorhaus. Talking about making more lights to hang around their hot tub or whatnot. The tiefling looks up with a smile.

“Yeah?”

“Can you help me with something?”

She blinks a bit surprised, then looks at Caduceus. “Um… can we—”

“We finish this later, I got some stuff to do anyway.” He smiles at the both of them. Caleb gives him a tight lipped smile and watches the firbolg head for the kitchen.

“What is it?” Jester asks, pulling Caleb’s attention back to herself.

“Could you send a message to Essek for me? I am yet to give him the notes he requested and I wanted to sort that out before we leave.”

“Sure,” Jester says with a huge grin. She spends a few moments staring at the ceiling, probably rehearsing the message, then goes through the familiar motions of casting the spell.

“Hey Essek! Caleb wants to know if you are free, ‘cause he misses you and wants to hang out.”

Caleb’s spine goes ramrod straight and he glares at Jester, but she’s not even looking at him as she goes on.

“Also has notes to give you,” she finishes with a nod, looking proud of herself. Caleb avoids her gaze when she turns her eyes to him and just stares into nothing at the side as they wait for a reply. It comes rather quickly and Jester’s face brightens once more.

“He misses you too and is home and said he has some time right now and you can come anytime,” she says with a grin. Caleb looks at her for a moment with narrowed eyes, but then just turns toward the door.

“I’ll be back,” Caleb says as he walks away.

“Have fun on your date!” Jester shouts after him. Caleb stops in his tracks and turns back to frown at the grinning tiefling, then just sighs and continues on.

“What’s a date? By the way, I have tea.” He hears Caduceus say just as Beau appears from another room.

“Who’s having a date?”

But then the door closes after Caleb and he hurries away from the house, shaking his head.

The streets are empty around him, save for the few guards patrolling the area. They give him a look, but otherwise don’t bother him, probably they are already used to them wandering around in the neighborhood. Caleb is still conscious of their presence, old habits die hard, but he makes his way to Essek’s abode without any issue. When he sees the house he stops and stares at it for a minute, spinning a small diamond between his fingers. He turns around, looking up at the sky then around himself, but eventually, after a deep breath he turns again and moves toward the house. As he reaches the gate he takes another deep breath, clenching the diamond in his hand, then pocketing it.

After a minute the front door opens, revealing the form of the Shadowhand hovering there in his usual attire. He motions towards him and the gate opens on its own. Caleb walks in, stepping over the threshold and when the door closes behind him, Essek is there, standing on the ground.

“I hope I do not interrupt and promise not to take much of your time.”

Essek gives him his usual polite, but warm smile.

“Always happy to make some time for friends when I’m missed.” His smile turns into more of a smirk.

“It’s… I wanted to pass on the notes of the spell before we leave. I didn’t mean… It was Jester who—”

“Don’t worry, I’m quite familiar with her… way of communication.” His smile softens and he gives Caleb an understanding look.

“I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting you to return to Rosohna so soon. I take it your journey was successful?”

“Ah, yes. We believe the curse is broken.” Caleb nods.

“That is good news.”

Since Caleb makes no other comment Essek gestures toward the stairs.

“Come.” He leads the way across the room and up the glass-like stairs to the next floor. They walk in silence through the walkway, but instead of taking the route up to the laboratory as before, Essek leads him to another door. He pushes it open and Caleb follows him into a smaller room that looks like a study. As they enter, candles light up all around, painting everything in soft light. There is a big window, looking out at the garden and a few cabinets, but the rest of the walls are covered with shelves, containing tons and tons of books. A small sound of awe escapes Caleb’s mouth as he takes in the room and misses the small smirk on the drow’s face.

“Here.” Essek’s voice pulls Caleb out of his admiration and he sees Essek remove his mantle and hang it on the wall, next to the door. Caleb does the same, leaving his coat behind and joins the Shadowhand at a big desk by the window. It’s empty, save for a stack of papers, an inkwell and a couple of pens. Caleb pulls out his spell book, then realizes something a bit late.

“I should have made a copy for you…”

“It is of no matter, if you’re willing to wait until I copy it for myself.”

“Of course.”

After another hand wave two chairs slide up to the table and Essek motions for him to sit. Caleb lowers himself on the edge of the chair as Essek sits as well, tracing a few lines in the air and a moment later a leather bound book appears in his hand. It’s dark brown, almost black with deep purple dents along the side. Pressed into the cover he sees letters, but doesn’t understand the language. It’s a different one from what Caleb saw previously. Essek pulls over his supplies and Caleb opens his book at the right page, pushing it into the space between them and watches as Essek starts to inscribe.

He notices the Shadowhand writes mostly from memory, only occasionally checking and double checking parts of the spell. He also notes the man’s excellent penmanship, which he remembered from their previous session, but didn’t have the time to marvel on it much.

“You said, the base of the spell came from Halas’ research, if I remember correctly?”

Celeb’s eyes dart up, but Essek is still engrossed in his writing.

“Yes.”

“Do you still have those as well?”

“Right here.” Caleb pulls out the small journal from his pocket. “But it’s in old-Zemnian. Do you speak Zemnian?”

Essek gives him a quick glance before his eyes return to the page. “Not at the moment. It’s not a priority, but I’d very much like to take a look at it.”

“I can leave it with you, if you’d like.”

Essek shoots him a questioning look.

“I already got what I primarily wanted from them and as intriguing as some of his notes are, I have no use of it for now.”

“In that case I’ll take it. For now.” He returns to his writing, but speaks up again after a few moments.

“You might have already mentioned, but where did you find these notes exactly?”

“In Hallas’ home.”

Essek’s hand stops and he looks at Caleb with a curious expression.

“That’s the place we told you about. We found an artefact. A fascinating puzzle that when solved right leads into his… estate, so to say. But it’s on another plane, a pocket dimension, maybe. Well, a really big one. Different rooms and places all connected and anchored together. It’s fascinating… and dangerous.”

“The Archmage Bane, you called it, I believe?”

Caleb gives an enthusiastic nod.

“Please, tell me more about it,” Essek asks and Caleb launches into a retelling of their last trip into the “Happy Fun Ball”. He leaves out any mention of their reason to dwell into the depths of the place and Essek doesn’t pry, but he does occasionally ask questions that Caleb answers the best he can as he describes the chambers they found and the creatures they encountered.

“And you all just went into the mouth of that dreadnought?”

“There were mentions of something important being in there and we were already there, so... ja, we just flew in.”

“I can’t decide if you all are really brave or really stupid.”

“Maybe a bit of both.” Caleb’s lips twitch up into a small grin and notices that Essek isn’t writing any more. As a matter of fact, he seems to have stopped writing several minutes ago and has been listening to him with his elbows propped on the table, his chin resting on his palm.

“Indeed. Still, you lived and didn’t return empty handed. That’s impressive.”

Caleb looks away from the small smile on the drow’s face. “Ja… we have our good moments.”

“Take the compliment, Widogast. You _are_ doing impressive work.” He looks down at the book and traces a finger along the edge of the paper then closes it. When he looks back up Caleb is staring at him, but drops his gaze immediately where he’s scratching his forearm. Essek’s eyes follow and it makes Caleb stop, hiding his arms under the table and resting them on his lap.

“Can I ask you something?”

Caleb nods with a small, jerking movement.

“I couldn’t help, but notice.” He nods toward Caleb’s arms. “We found the same scars on that scourger we captured.” Without voicing the actual question he just looks at Caleb with a small head tilt. He stares back at him for several silent moments.

“A part... or rather a result of our training.”

“May I?”

Caleb looks at him for another long moment, then with a deep breath leans back on the chair and lays his arms out on the table. Essek leans closer, studying the markings, then reaches out and brushes his finger between the scars, slowly making his way toward Caleb’s wrist. There he turns the limb, so Caleb’s palm is facing upwards and Essek probes the white lines this time.

“They are deliberate.”

“It was meant to enhance our abilities.”

Essek’s eyes narrow to a fraction. “How?”

“Refined residuum.” Caleb watches the frown form between Essek’s brows then understanding appears in his eyes.

“Did it work?” The drow asks and a rueful smile appears on Caleb’s lips.

“Some applications did. But it wasn’t worth the pain.”

They stare at each other for a few silent moments.

“I’m sorry for bringing up unwanted memories.”

“Well, I had a lot of run-ins with my past lately anyway. More than I’d have liked to. Even if I knew they would catch up with me eventually.”

“The past has a tendency to do that, doesn’t it?” Essek says with a small ironic smile. Caleb tilts his head to the side, seemingly forgetting that Essek’s hand is still on his arm.

“May I ask you something as well?”

Essek just nods, but Caleb seems to hesitate, before actually forming his question.

“Dunamancy deals in reality and time, the very nature of it raises so many questions. If… if you could go back to change something, would you?”

“I already told you the fate of those who dwelled into such domains.”

“Yes, but we don’t know what they experienced. Maybe they were successful. There are endless possibilities in the universe, your Beacon showed us that! Based on our decisions there can be multiple versions of us. You are able to use those versions with the echoes! What if they can be more? What if those people found a way to enter one of those possibilities? Found a way to make it their own reality?”

“Yet, _this_ reality went on as it was, without them.”

All the vehemence Caleb spoke with a few moments ago seeps away and he pulls back, staring stubbornly at the table.

“But do you think it possible?”

“You said it yourself, anything is possible. And don’t get me wrong, I’d very much like to know the extent of which we could glimpse into or manipulate those depths, but the better question is whether it is worth it. What is your true goal and what are you willing to sacrifice in order to archive it?”

When Caleb gives no answer Essek reaches out and touches his cheek, turning his face back to look at him.

“I don’t know what you’re running from, but I can see you’re carrying a large burden. I also got glimpses of the person you really are underneath that. Why not give him a chance first?”

Caleb’s face gets beet red as he stares at Essek, unable to answer. His eyes dart all over the drow’s face before they return to his eyes, but Essek is looking at his lips. Caleb’s breath hitches and their eyes meet. After a heartbeat Caleb pulls back and Essek drops his hand, straightening in his chair and looking away. Essek clears his throat in the awkward silence.

“I thank you for bringing this to me, but if you’ll excuse me, I have matters to attend to.”

Caleb scrambles to collect his book and tucks it away, standing up and almost knocking back the chair in his hurry.

“Of course, I apologize for taking so much of your time.”

Essek huffs out an amused breath and looks up at Caleb. “It’s quite alright. We are friends after all.”

“Friends,” Caleb echoes with a small smile and a nod.

Essek rises as well, picking up his book and it dissipates from his hand. Caleb leaves Halas’ journal on the table and heads toward the door, almost forgetting his coat. Essek leads him back to the entrance in silence. By the door Caleb turns to Essek.

“I hate to bring this up, but we might need your help again soon.”

“Don’t you always?” Essek asks with a smirk.

“Just let us know if there is anything we can do to return the favor.”

“I will.”

The door opens and Caleb turns to leave with a flustered smile. “Good day,” he mutters and stares forward at the opening gate. He hears Essek say the same as he hurries out.

Caleb is halfway back to the Xhorhaus when he stops and leans on a stone wall. He takes a deep breath, his heart is still beating in his throat.

“Du blöde...,” he mumbles to himself as he rubs his face. “What are you doing?” His hand stills on his cheek, where Essek touched him and just stares into nothing. After a whole minute he mutters a quiet “verdammt” under his breath and starts walking again.

~~~

“Well, we have our peace, so happy days.”

Essek huffs, not taking his eyes off of Caleb. “Happy days.”

He looks around at the group one more time then starts to cast his teleportation spell. “Until then.”

“Send cupcakes!” Jester calls out just as he vanishes. Caleb stares at the spot the drow disappeared as the others start to talk something or the other about cupcakes, but his attention is pulled away when a familiar voice speaks in his mind.

_“There is one last thing I need to discuss in private. Please come below deck, it won’t take long.”_

Caleb glances around at his friends where Jester is eating a week old cupcake while Caduceus already started a new batch of mushrooms on the remains.

“Alright,” he mutters, then a bit louder he adds: “Be right back.”

Beauregard shoots him a curious look, but otherwise doesn’t react as Caleb turns and heads below deck. It’s relatively dark, but still he sees a figure at the end of the corridor by the crew quarters. He recognizes the blond disguise of Essek just as he steps into the last room on the right. The one Caleb used at the beginning of their journey, but not so much since their run in with those fish people. Caleb stands there for a few moments before following the figure. As he steps in a single dancing light appears, hovering below the ceiling and painting them in a faint glow. The single cot takes up most of the room and Essek is sitting on its far end, leaning his elbows on his knees. Caleb closes the door and leans his back on it, keeping his distance the best he can in the small space.

“Quite a dramatic exit, just to come back through the back door.”

The illusion fades as Essek shakes his head.

“I didn’t want to raise more suspicion. I didn’t have a good enough excuse for a request to talk to only you.”

“If it’s something you couldn’t tell in front of the others, what makes you think I want to hear it?”

“Did you tell them I was still here?” Essek looks up and after a moment Caleb just shakes his head. A small smile forms on Essek lips. “I had a lot to think about in the last two weeks and I just… I wish we could have met under different circumstances.”

“Were things different, we might have never met at all.”

“And some days I wished for that too. But we play the cards dealt to us.”

“It seems to me you have an especially bad hand at the moment. You have so much more to lose in this than anyone else.”

“Well, it could be worse. You all made this a lot harder than I anticipated.”

“I know how that feels.”

“Of course you do.” He heaves a sigh. “You were right, we are similar in many ways. Which makes some things a lot more complicated.”

Essek stands up and takes the few steps separating them. Caleb stays very still as the drow stands right in front of him. Essek’s hand lands on Caleb’s chest and he leans in, placing a kiss on his lips.

“Was this a part of your plan? Like getting close to us, stacking up favors?” Caleb asks, his voice quiet, measured.

“In a way. I thought if one of you had a soft spot for me it would help, but it was never meant to be serious. I also never expected to fall into my own trap.”

“Why me though?”

Essek huffs out a small laugh. “Isn’t it obvious? You are brilliant, young and full of potential. And how did you put it? ‘The difference between you and I is thinner than a razor.’ I care about you all and I care a lot about you. I may have lied about many things, but I never lied about how I feel.”

Caleb cups his face in his hand and pulls him close, kissing him again and Essek responds with a soft noise.

“It is really not the time for this,” Caleb says after he pulls back and presses their foreheads together with his eyes closed, visibly conflicted.

“I know. But I wanted you to know. I wanted to do this, in case I won’t get a chance later.”

Caleb opens his eyes, staring at Essek and his hand slides to the side of the drow’s neck, his thumb brushing over his jawline.

“You sound like you expect us never to meet again.” His voice is even quieter than before.

“With my current… situation and your party’s tendency to… seek out adventures I can only hope.”

“I want us to meet again.”

“So do I.” He leans in again, but Caleb moves away slightly and that stops Essek. Caleb covers the hand on his chest with his own.

“You are one of the most incredible persons I’ve ever met and I will cherish this moment. You will always have a place in my heart and in my mind, but you cannot go on like you used to.”

“I could not, even if I wanted to. You did change me and that is why I’m not sure what will happen. I only know that I will survive and I hope the same for you.”

“We’re good at that. Just remember, you’re not alone in this anymore.” Caleb lifts Essek’s hand and presses a kiss on his fingers. A rueful smile curls up on Essek’s lips for a few moments then he takes a step back. He slips from Caleb’s grasp and he just stares at the drow as he pulls away. He begins to mutter, his elegant fingers dancing in the air as he casts his spell.

“Until we meet again.”

“Stay safe,” Caleb says with a bittersweet smile. Essek just nods with a gentle upturn of lips and is gone in the next moment. The light fades as he disappears and Caleb finds himself in complete darkness. Reaching out with his hand he feels his way and sits down on the bed. He stares into the darkness, absentmindedly rubbing his chest where Essek touched him. He takes a deep breath and another. He drops his hand when he realizes what he’s doing. His fingers brush against something on the bed. He casts dancing lights, making them dim and picks up the item he found. It’s Halas’ journal, the one he left with Essek the last time he was over by him.

“Could have kept it,” he mutters under his breath, turning the book over in his hands then putting it away.

With a sigh he stands up, rubbing his face shortly then marches out of the room. The lights go out as he walks back up on the deck.

Not much has changed since he was gone; the armada broke up and it seems the Ball-Eater is now heading away from both fleets. Caleb walks up to Beauregard.

“Did I miss anything?”

Beau shakes her head. “Nah, man, everyone’s going home and we’re off to Rumblecasp.”

“Alright.”

Beau eyes him for a long moment. “You okay?”

“Ja. Why do you ask?”

“Just…” she shrugs. “A lot happened.”

“That is true.”

After a moment Beau pulls him into an awkward, but comforting hug.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <3


End file.
